October is family sexuality education month, also known as "Let's Talk" month.

While parents underestimate their influence on their adolescent children, teens continue to cite parents as a primary influence on them and their decision-making regarding sexual activity. Parents are cited by teens as more influential than peers or the media.

Teens also express a desire for open and honest discussions with their parents about sexuality. In other research, teens and parents disagree on the frequency of these discussions. Parents perceive themselves as being more open to this type of discussion than their teenaged children believe they are.

This data is from surveys of 1000 teens and 1008 adults conducted for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy in August and September, 2003.

From a Campaign publication titled Talking Back: What Teens Want Adults to Know About Teen Pregnancy

1. Show and tell us why teen pregnancy is such a bad idea.
2. Show us what good, responsible relationships look like.
3. Talk to us honestly about love, sex, and relationships.
4. Telling us not to have sex is not enough. Explain your beliefs. Listen to us with an open mind.
5. Even if we don't ask, we have questions.
6. Whether or not we are having sex, we need to be prepared.
7. If we ask you about sex or birth control, do not assume that we are having sex.
8. Pay attention to us before we get into trouble.
9. Don't leave us alone so much.
10. We really care about what you think, even if we don't always act like it.
11. We hate "the Talk" as much as you do!
12. For us, it's not about abstinence or contraception; it's about abstinence and contraception.

TIPS FOR PARENTS

1). Know your child. Know what she is doing and with whom she is doing it. Know what he is watching, reading, and listening to. Get to know your child’s friends and the families of her friends. Know your child well enough to discern physical, behavioral or affective changes.

2). As our children become teenagers, they naturally become more independent. This is normal. They still need you to be the parent, however: to provide your time and attention, to set limits and enforce family rules.

3). Parents can and should be the primary sexuality educators of their children. Only parents can convey the family’s values about sexuality. Our children are inundated with many conflicting and confusing messages about sexuality from a variety of sources. They want and need to hear from you as well.

Many parents worry that candid family discussion about sexuality will somehow encourage premature sexual activity. This is simply not borne out in research. In fact, girls are more likely to postpone intercourse when mothers have clearly addressed the reasons for postponing sexual activity. Resources abound to help parents take on this crucial role.

4). Take advantage of “teachable moments.” Movies, music, and television shows may provide a springboard for conversation, even if the messages conveyed by them are counter to what you value and wish to convey.



Annotated Bibliography

Bell, Ruth and others. Changing Bodies, Changing Lives. Random House, 1998.
This is a version of Our Bodies, Ourselves for teens, written by the same group. I have often used this as my “text” for faith community sexuality education for teens.

Haffner, Debra. Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens.
Newmarket Press: New York, 2001.
Haffner is a former president of SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S., speaks widely on sexuality issues. She has also written a book for parents of younger children, titled From Diapers to Dating.

Richardson, Justin, M.D. and Mark A. Schuster, M.D. Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know about Sex (but were afraid they’d ask). Crown Publishers: New York, 2003.
Written by a psychiatrist and a pediatrician, this book acknowledges the anxiety parents experience contemplating sex and their children in the same thought. Comprehensive and current, covering everything parents need to know about sexual development.

Roffman, Deborah. Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense about Sex. PerseusPublishing: Cambridge,MA, 2001.
Roffman is well-known as a sexuality educator, provides concrete advice and information to parents in this book.

Tolman, Deborah L. Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk about Sexuality. Harvard University Press, 2002.
Tolman addressed an oft-neglected topic; what should teens, especially girls do with their sexual desire? Important work for parents, teachers, and clinicians.

Woody, Jane DiVita, Ph.D., M.S.W. How Can We Talk About That? Jossey-Bass: San Francisco, 2002.
Woody addresses the need for parents to be primary sexuality educators of their children with instructions on how to ease anxiety while conveying accurate information.




Community Coordinator for Teen Pregnancy/Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention

Mary Sullivan
Teen Health Center
UVa Health System
1400 West Main Street
Charlottesville, VA 22903
434-982-0090
masullivan58@earthlink.net

Please contact Mary Sullivan to be placed on the Teen Pregnancy and STD Prevention Network Report mailing list or to publicize a related event. She can also direct you to educational and awareness-raising materials and local information and events. Teen helpcards (with local information) are available for teens, parents, schools, churches, community agencies, and businesses.

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